I’m staring at my hand holding my phone. My mouth opens and then closes a couple of times. It’s only been a few minutes, but I’m sure she’s wondering why I haven’t responded yet.
I don’t want to loan her any money. Why would she do this to me? We were having such a good time catching up. If I had known she was going to do this, I wouldn’t have responded to her message.
I remember the notes I wrote in my phone and pull them up.
Assertive does not equal aggressive.
Tell the truth.
No apologizing.
Do not explain why you are saying no.
Ok, I’ve got it.
I don’t have it.
I toss my phone down beside me and rub my forehead as I stare at the carpet for answers. Why are people comfortable asking me for money? I never say yes. How can I get them to stop? It has to be the way I’m wording it. I’m not saying what I mean directly enough. The carpet is silent on the issue. Thanks for the help.
Five minutes. She probably thinks I’m being rude. We were texting back and forth with no pauses. Surely she knows I’m struggling with this. She could end this with a quick ‘never mind,’ but that would probably make me feel like a jerk too. I need to stop talking to people. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with situations like this.
My knee bounces as I try again to come up with a response that says no, but one that also won’t hurt her feelings, make her feel bad, or make her decide she doesn’t like me.
I’m sorry, I don’t have it right now. No, that’s a lie. And I’m not sorry.
I don’t have any cash on me. What if she offers to take me somewhere to get cash?
I can’t. My husband will get mad. That’s lying too.
All of my ideas are essentially saying, I wish I could, but I can’t. Ask me some other time. And that is exactly what I want to stop doing. I am tired of getting mad at people for asking me for things. It makes me mad because I feel like they should know how hard it is for me to say no, and if they like me at all, they wouldn’t do that to me. Saying no feels scary. I’m afraid it will make her feel like I am rejecting her. But I’m not rejecting her. I am rejecting her request.
Fifteen minutes. I don’t feel any closer to an answer. My heart is racing, and my hands are sweaty now. How dare she put me in this position? I scowl at my phone and think about just giving her the money. It’s not a large amount, and this could be over.
Twenty minutes. I am so irritated now I don’t care if I do seem a little mean and type out “I don’t loan money.” I stare at the screen. So short. So rude. Mean. But it’s the truth. I don’t loan money, and I really want people to stop asking me to. I look around the room as if it will approve and think about how I would feel if someone said this to me. Would I find it rude or mean if I asked someone for money and they said they don’t loan money? No. Not at all. It wouldn’t feel personal because they would just be telling me about something they don’t do. I hit send and hold my breath to get my hands to stop shaking.
She responded right away and said, “ok, no problem.”
I slump back into the couch and stare at the ceiling. Did I really just put myself through all of that? I did. I really did. And she said, “No problem”.
