If I told you that I have spent my life worrying more for others than myself, I would be a liar. I am the first to admit that I am selfish and always have been. When friends would call and ask me to come over, I would ask them what we were going to do. If I didn’t think it sounded fun, I told them so. Believe it or not, this didn’t lose me any friends. I can’t be sure what they thought about it, but I distinctly remember not worrying about what they thought about it. That is a freedom youth afforded me. To speak freely without fear. To know my intention was not to be rude or hurtful and move in that knowledge. I think that my intentions were communicated clearly because when I hear accounts of what I was like as a teen, rude or selfish doesn’t make the list.
I don’t see anything wrong with being selfish. I think for anyone to act in any other way, they are only holding themselves back. And by default, they are holding those closest to them back also.
The word selfish has many negative connotations, and rightfully so. I believe a person can be selfish and have no regard for other people, or they can be selfish with others in mind. For example, if I am thinking of myself first, I am most likely going to do things that further my position or status in some way. I believe that the positive choices we make for ourselves often create opportunities for those closest to us. We see this in good reputations being shared by association, or in more tangible ways, like increased wealth and resources.
The healthy kind of selfish will consider how the goals affect those closest to them and adjust accordingly. But here’s the caveat: I may adjust my goals if needed, but that does not mean the goal loses its place. The goal still stays in the top position on the priority list because I must make myself most important if I am going to help those around me become their best self. The unhealthy type of selfish will not consider others and will hurt feelings, take advantage, tear down, etc., to reach their goal.
If I am consistently stubborn about bettering myself and prioritizing myself, then those around me will reap the benefits of that. If I am consistently inconsistent, they suffer with, or because of me. So to be selfless, you have to first become selfish.
I could choose to say I prioritize myself and not use the word selfish, but for me, they don’t hold the same weight. If something is a priority, it comes first, but it also feels negotiable to me. I can have a list of priorities and things may move up and down the list. I need a stronger word, so selfish fills that need. Selfish says I may have myself as a first priority, and its position is nonnegotiable. If I am selfish, I can prioritize myself, my goal, or my family without the shame of admitting that I am doing it all for myself first and their benefit is secondary.
Today I am thinking about the places where I have let this selfish ideology, or personality trait, slip over the last decade or so. I have let myself fall into the background in some areas, on purpose, and I am noticing that choice has not helped the people close to me the way I thought it would. I put others before me, and in the process they ended up with more chaos to deal with, as did I.
A trap I think a lot of people fall into is trying to preserve as many of other people’s emotions and experiences as possible. I believe when we do this, we are accidentally neglecting almost everyone involved in the situation. To put it in cliché form, we are spread too thin. We are no longer as effective or impactful as we hope to be.
In my personal life, I have been managing a set of people with complex ties and emotions connecting each of them. In an attempt to mitigate hurt that has already happened and to shore up against hurt that was and is sure to come, I had chosen to be the “bigger person,” and it only made me feel small and ineffective in the long run.
When someone is creating chaos, and no one is calling it what it is, the people who are not creating chaos can get lost in the background. The one who is not a “problem” is forced to become the stronger one because it is assumed they don’t need help or support. This keeps the cycle going by letting the chaos maker continue in their chaos making. Further, the “strong ones” are not allowed to speak up or out about the imbalance because it would seem insensitive. I am proposing that the strong ones reclaim their power and become selfish.
My hope is that whoever reads this and sees themselves in a role that makes them feel unseen, unheard, or not thought of will find their voice sooner and put themselves, and by default their loved ones, first.
This week I have taken steps to reclaim my selfishness in one area where I had let it slip, and it feels good. It feels great, actually. For several years now, someone has been posting things online, and I have taken the position that I would not engage. I believe my decision was the right decision for a while, but things started to escalate. I decided to use my voice and push back. I responded to the public claims and did so in a way that was in line with my values and integrity. I had people reach out and say things that they didn’t realize were trying to put me back in the bigger person, good girl box. I was well aware that using my voice ran the risk of not changing anything. But regardless of the outcome, what it did was give me my voice back. I can hear my voice again. I also realized I don’t really need anyone else to hear it or to even acknowledge it, I just need to use it. I have been abandoning an essential part of myself by letting judgment, or the idea of judgment, and feeling responsible for other people’s feelings censor me.
Even though I wasn’t attached to an outcome, my voice has proven to be powerful, for myself as well as the situation. The person that had been causing so much distress has finally stopped, and I feel a sense of peace for myself and those I love. I don’t know how long the respite from this person will last, and I can’t control the ultimate outcome, but I know I stepped back into my power for myself first, and as a result, for those I love. Maybe I needed to learn a lesson, or maybe I just forgot myself when the stakes got higher. I don’t know. What I do know is I spoke up. I heard me, and for a moment, that I hope lasts for a while, I remembered who I was.
Written 7.28.26
