I wrote this piece in August of 2022. Today I am reflecting back on it and realizing that a lot of the things I talked about here haven’t changed. It seems that I was in a period of non-writing. I still do this sometimes. I will go strong for a while and then drop out for a while. One thing I like is that I always come back. I have caught myself worrying about spending too much time writing and asking myself what the point is if it’s not making me money, so that hasn’t changed either.
This piece is an ode to writing. From me.
Creative Expectations - How I Sabotage Myself Creatively.
I miss writing. I miss the release of thoughts and emotions. To rest in a state of flow, to organize thoughts, and to have a conversation with someone that understands my words completely—myself. It is a great thing, and I have let it go momentarily.
I have a terrible habit of letting productivity, or the illusion of it, cloud anything I start to enjoy. If something I am doing isn’t going to lead to some sort of gain, I will tell myself there is no point.
However, is the point of creativity to be productive? Maybe for some, but for me, the productivity quotient seems to be the killer of passion, and passion is essential for me to create anything. Creating makes me feel free, connected, and alive; all things I need to thrive. If I approach any of the things I like to do to create through a lens of needing it to become something specific or having expectations about what it should be, I kill it before it even gets started.
I have two books in the works right now, one fiction and one non-fiction. When I was writing them for fun, they flowed effortlessly and made me feel alive and more balanced. As soon as I started thinking about them in terms of what they should be, or could be, I shelved them, convincing myself they are trash. Almost a hundred thousand words sitting in my files, ineffectual and stagnant because I have convinced myself that my writing should somehow be for others when all along it has always been for me.
Writing healed me when I was at my lowest, and writing helped me realize that I am capable. I felt all of those things without any feedback from outside of me at all. That’s what I need to hold on to. When others comment on my writing, it makes me feel great, but unless I am happy with myself, those words will only be temporary Band-Aids.
When I had my photography business, I received so much praise from the outside that I turned that praise into expectations, and I think I am doing the same thing with my writing. I sneakily told myself that I was only valuable as long as I was producing things that people would praise me for. I started to apply pressure on myself to perform, and the next thing I knew, I was buckling under that pressure. I felt like what I was producing was never good enough in spite of whatever everyone else told me.
I do this with my writing too. I come up with ideas about what I think others expect it to be and then convince myself it is trash and that I should be embarrassed to have shown it to anyone. My point is, when you create standards for yourself that are impossible to live up to, you will constantly feel like you are failing and not good enough. For that reason, I must create solely for me. Whether it is writing, photography, art, or business, it must be for me first, and if others benefit from it, great.
The past few months have been lull months, and nothing is hitting for me. I have tried all of my usual things and a few new things to see if I can get something to grab me, but ultimately, the universe, or my brain, is saying not right now. I am fortunate to be able to live a life that allows this sort of exploration and evaluation. Sometimes I feel like my freedom in creativity is stifling.
I don’t think there is a universal point to life, and my point, or purpose, evades me. I will feel aligned to one thing and then the next thing I know I feel completely and utterly disconnected from it. The fact that I can remember feeling joy in things keeps me going and gives me hope. I know at some point things will hit again, and when they do I will feel enraptured and consumed by them. That feeling is my drug; it is what I chase. The unfortunate truth is that when I chase it, it runs even faster. I am learning to just hang out and wait, though, and not get too attached to what is or is not going on for me creatively.
Ultimately, I find creativity essential to my wellbeing and fascinating in the way it operates. Whether it is my writing or my art, I love surprising myself. Nothing gives me more joy than creating something in a flow state and revisiting it later to wonder whether I really did that. I know that may sound crazy, but it happens to me a lot. Looking at a piece of writing or art and having no specific memory of creating it and becoming impressed with it feels magical. On the other hand, when I try to force things, I remember everything about it and am completely unmoved by whatever came of it. This may stem from the fact that I am an over-thinker, so when I stop thinking and just do, I get results I like better. Either way, less thinking and more doing for me—For ME.
8-2-22
