I have dreams sometimes where my mind takes me through the experiences of intense emotional pain, or just emotions. I will cry harder than I have ever cried before, scream louder than I would allow myself to scream, or have explosive anger I have never expressed in my waking life.
Are all of these examples hinted with negativity because I feel unable to express negative emotions in real life? Probably, but I also feel unable to express positive emotions in real life. Yet I don’t dream about gushing love out on people, only trying to beat them for some wrong they have committed or to grieve them. Maybe it is because these emotions are so intensely tied to the possibility of lending themselves to negative behavior outcomes or consequences. Therefore, the only place to safely express them is in dreamworld.
But why is it so hard for me to bare my heart, why are the words “I love you” so hard to say? I can type them easier than say them but that still feels challenging.
This year I have only told one person I love them with my voice, three people via text without them saying it first, and a fourth only because they said it first.
I do love people, and I do love all of these people I just thought of yet I still don’t like saying it. Why? What is the difference in saying it first when it is no secret? I know none of them would reject me or dole out some sort of negative consequence if I were to tell them I love them so what is it? Why is my heart so guarded? Closed?
I tell the story often that I only say I love someone when I truly love them. For me that definition is pretty stringent. I don’t throw my “I love yous” around and it bothers me when others do it.
Sometimes I will join in and say it back knowing they know that I know they know we don’t REALLY love each other. It’s like when people claim people as family when they’re not. It’s just words.
But for me, most of all of the time I can’t do the just words thing. I have to mean it or I can’t say it and then sometimes, even if I do mean it I can’t say it.
Emotional displays make me feel weak. Vulnerable in a bad way. I don’t know where or why I learned this, but it is my truth. I can’t let people see my heart. My heart hurts me too much when it does hurt and I don’t feel like anyone is allowed to see that much of me.
Even as I was lying on my daddy’s chest when he passed I was still somewhat aware that I was not alone and therefore not free to express my pain and its entirety.
Roar, lion of the heart. Roar. Be free. Please. Teach me to feel and feel fearlessly. Love, pain, all that comes in between.
